abscence of malice

wandering around new york

and all those galleries

I was struck by a profound thought

a thought that transcended

whatever god you subscribe to.

art

sculpture

writing

life

whatever

in the MOMA

wandering around the magritte

exhibition.

the thought...

its as much about what you see as what you dont.

what you feel as what you miss

what you hear as what you cant

what you write as what you dont

what you think as what you wont

bottom line.. fill in the blanks

and hard as it is to hear

in the whole life that i've lived

in the realm of my existence

there is no greater truth

go on... fill in the blanks.

another variation

 my entire childhood

my father

was always at me

about the lego

"its all over the house"

he would say

"its in every room"

he would say

I thought he was mad

exagerating in that way

that adults

sometimes do

and one day

when I was probably too old

he gave it all

to the childrens hospital.

Now i live in a house

and if you cast a glance

there is lego in every room.

and I find myself

telling my son to clean the lego

"its all over the house"

"its in every room"

and i'm reminded about that split ends song

history never repeats

I tell myself

before I go to sleep

except for the lego

the conundrum

woke up this morning to discover

that all my muscles hurt

my neck is stiff and my 

lower spine is hard

what did I do?

sure saturday golf was fun

and saturday night was a blast.

perhaps it was the extra aperol spritz

something in the course of events

let me to think

it would be a good idea to 

try some moves from my youth

you know the ones

handstand push ups

one armed handstands

fire-mans lifts of 100kg blokes.

now sunday was a relaxed day

in the spanking sunshine

on the rug on the lawn

with a beer or two.

monday however is a different story

did I play full tackle football recently?

why does everything hurt.

and then the moment of realisation.

you are in fact getting older

you cant do what you used to do

and get away with it

without consequences.

and therein

lies the rub

a timely reminder that although

I still feel like this

I'm obviously

not the same guy.

or rather I am the same guy

I'm just getting older

and subconsciously isn't it about time

I admitted it?

naah

fuck that.

who can I carry next.

tee up

There are so many references

in a life spent with eachother.

dad and I play golf.

he's great with the occasional dud shot

I'm dud with occasional greatness.

playing today on a spankingly beautiful winters sunday

standing in the middle of the fairway

in the middle of a beautiful golf club

in the middle of the greatest city in earth

turning to him and raising my arms to the azure sky

I smiled and said

"this is another fine mess you got me into"

and in that ironic way it was true.

you see it was a family day

and dad and I were out there hacking our way round 18 holes

with another grandfather and his grandson

and not playing too well, but loving it.

people bag golf

elitist, obsessive compulsive

uppity and pointless

a place for wankers.

but they miss one of its central points

golf is a metaphor for life.

its difficult, long, you often fuck up a shot

and in the end you only play yourself.

its also only about

relationships. 

4 hours, no phones, no distractions

and only exercise and conversation

meditation

philosophy

self control

and obviously with my dad its about love.

not bad for a stupid

impossible game

where you can spend hours putting a white ball

in a little hole.

one time

just that one time

if you never learn to swim, and you fall in the water

if you don't learn to drive and you hit a slippery patch

if you don't learn self defense and get attacked

if you don't learn to read 

and miss the turnoff

to life

to love

to happiness.

everything is important

sometimes only once

so perhaps its important

to keep learning then..

blind faith

recently

my mind has found a disturbing similarity

between religion and medicine.

both, in abstract terms you could say

have the best interests of humanity at heart

but in the real world

where interest is often not of the heart

both fail in spectacular and 

relatively

unaccountable ways

despite preaching love

religion employs the language of hate and 

division.

medicine has the monopoly on health

but should it?

c'mon now, time to 

come clean.

after teaching us for the last 40 years

that fat is bad

it turns out all along that its sugar and carbs

that are the bad guys lurking in plain view

giving you

dementia,

diabetes,'

obesity,

heart disease,

cancer,

but just try eating modern food without them

stop buying anything in a packet

give up the humble sandwich, pasta, pastry, muffin

go on a road trip and try to avoid them, 

i dare you.

the sad fact is you cant.

i've tried.

lets talk about cancer.

and chemotherapy.

i've seen my patients waste away

the life sucked out of them

by medically assisted and ridiculously expensive

chemotherapy.

i read posts on facebook

and articles in the paper

on the brave fight

of those poor desperate people

who succumb.

but what really kills them?

is it the cancer

or is it the saviour?

everyone has a theory

and i have spoken to the chemists, the oncologists

the saviours.

they admit that in many instances

all they are dispensing

is a form of hope

in the face of death.

its expensive, toxic, barely survivable

and righteous.

just dont talk about natural therapy

because that stuff has no scientific evidence 

to back it up.

and if you dont do what the doc says

you are going to die.

(although if you do, you'll die as well)

don't read the fine print, 

don't ask too many hard questions.

had a patient in last week

talking about breast cancer

he said he had two friends

both of whom were diagnosed

the one that chose conventional medicine 

is dead.

the other who was abused for not 

taking the conventional route

is alive.

ask yourself why the survival rate is 

5 years?

why dont they publish the rate for

10 years?

not such good statistics.

obviously we all must make 

the choice.

and obviously there are certain cancers that are treatable

and there are some that aren't.

its a duck shoot. 

steve winwood sang

Seems I got to have a change of scene

Cause every night I have the strangest dream

Imprisoned by the way, yeah, it could’ve been

Left here on my own or so it seems

I got to leave before I start to scream

But someone's locked the door and took the key

Feelin' alright, (uh oh)

Not feelin' too good myself, (uh oh) 

Feelin' alright, (uh oh)

Not feelin' that good myself, (uh oh)

Boy you sure took me for one big ride

Even now I sit and I wonder why

And when I think of you I stop myself from cryin’

I Just can’t waste my time I must get by

Got to stop belivin' in all your lies

Cause there’s too much to do before I die

Feelin' alright, (uh oh)

Not feelin' too good myself, (uh oh) 

Oh no, Feelin' alright, (uh oh)

Not feelin' that good myself, (uh oh)

(Feelin’ alright) Don't you get too lost in all I say

Yeah, but at the time you know I really felt that way

But that was then and now you know it’s today

I can't escape I guess I'm here to stay

’til someone comes along to take my place

With a different name and a different face

blind fucking faith

post modern porn

a new gallery opening

a new art exhibition

of nudes

and yes you guessed it

mostly women

wandering around with the kids

I wondered where does the titillation stop

and the art begin

and when you are presented 

with that expanse of female flesh

what is art?

yogagirl said they were all hackneyed images

miles informed me that all his classmates 

would love to come and see the naked bodies

and elsa

she just pointed out the ones with flowers

once again

beauty or lack thereof

in the eye of the 

beholder.

and I wondered..

If you were to purchase a work of art

such as these

where in gods name would you hang it

the living room?

the bedroom?

best left to the imagination

(another form of) subtraction

 2013

-1971

_____

a funny thing happened on the way to bed last night

for the third night in a row

mathematics came for a visit

and Miles was not happy to see him.

Subtraction

the fine art of taking something away 

and leaving something behind

but how do you do it?

borrow one on the top

pay it back on the bottom

right?

or t least that's how I do it.

I had made an assumption

that because I had learnt that way

that was the way it was done

and therefore everybody did it that way.

Wrong!

Yogagirl was taught to scrub out 

the numbers as you go

and Miles was understandably confused.

I'm not saying its

my way or the highway.

but I learnt something pretty

fundamental.

our knowledge and how we acquired it

is totally unique

and there is always more than one way

to skin a cat.

which I guess is another form 

of subtraction.

life imitates art

almost shed a tear today

when cleaning out my sons room

we dumped a decades worth of toys on the floor

I said "keep what you want 

and chuck the rest"

we were renovating his room

shuffling furniture

creating a new space he'd want to be in

and of course throwing away all the old broken 

neglected toys.

I came across my old friend

buzz lightyear and looking 

on the soles of his feet

I could see Miles had written his name, 

much like Andy in the movie.

In the rest of the mess

I found his wings

which I lovingly attached

and although his batteries were dead

I could hear him cry

"TO INFINITY AND BEYOND"

a chuckle emerged from my throat

as I recalled years ago when my baby boy loved 

Toy Story although 

under a different name, to him it was

"andbeyond"

and in that moment 

I realised childhood is fleeting

you should cherish it 

while you can. 

Had I ?

and the truth people

was I didn't have the heart

to throw Buzz in the bin

so I placed him complete

in a different pile

and gave him to Sophie!

surgery

had a revelation yesterday

after 20 years a s a dentist

after a hundred implants

a thousand extractions

and the spilled blood

of many people

I like surgery

the fine art

of building inside

underneath 

hidden

by pink gum

the scalpel can be your friend

wield it 

carefully

slowly

precisely

presciently

dont whatever you do rush

and then underneath

you can remove that root

build that bone

place that implant

change that shape

and when you are done

methodically

neatly

securely

and without a hint of 

tension

sew it all up.

magically

after a week or two

out come the sutures

and its as if it 

had never happened

except it did

and there's at least two of you who remember.

as one of my mentors told me

the body heals despite what we do to it.

but good surgery 

helps.

Fuck

flew home monday

woke 3am tuesday

woke 3am wednesday

woke 3am thursday

woke 3am friday

fuck

fuck 

fuck 

fuck

anyone awake tomorrow morning early

say 3am?

time out of mind

Jet lag.

its not just a state of mind

all week we struggle to stay awake past 8pm

and struggle not to wake up at 3am

the kids, the wife, the dog

and I

and couple that with the coughing, 

the aches and pains

of a flu caught

travelling right down the back of the plane

in coach.

and the heat difference

new york, 

hot dry and dusty

sydney, 

cold damp and heavy.

and then there's work and 

normal life resuming.

the kids have their lessons

the wife teaches hers

and I go off to my place of work.

the big cars on the blink

suspension needs a total redo

too heavy for its airbags

its designed to fail.

and cost a shit load when it does.

and now i'm arguing with miles

about how to occupy himself

without a screen

at 4am

in the morning.

jet lag.

a kids canine

she came in to the surgery

eager as punch

I was taking her baby tooth out

to straighten the rest out

...at least temporarily

and distracting her a little

I raised the needle

and placed it on her gum

up came the hand immediately

and swiped it out of the way

"hey that pinches"

she said

laughing out of hand

and I talked her 

off the ledge

numbed up

she smiled

and said

"Dad I can't feel my face"

and then the extraction

a fully formed kids canine.

easy I thought to myself

as I struggled to extract it sweating

(such long roots)

out it popped

and relieved we both laughed

as she wiped the blood from

her mouth she said

"mum can i have some ice-cream"

kids

cant shoot em

dont even think

of extracting their 

baby teeth.

unless you

are a 

masochist

or

a dentist.

...tough

head shot

pick a reason, any reason

cancer? a worthy cause? a bet? drunk?

what does it matter

its all gone.

strange that people dont recognise me

or if they do , its a classic double take.

and it got me thinking

we are all caricatures of ourselves.

what is pete

without the crazy hair?

who is pete

is he still there?

of course I am

nothing has really changed

but there's been a resurgence

of questions.

all about appearance.

and in the end

people just get used to it.

although they remain challenged.

and all of a sudden

i feel a certain kinship

with those poor sods who are

bald by nature not design.

now what else can I radically change?

gravity

so the family is away

accomodation is booked

my daughter is with grandpa

and the boys are ready

the day is glorious

the tank is full

the tyres are pumped

and so am I

I pull up outside Toms place

text Warwick

we are ready and will meet you in 15

on the other side of the bridge

I dismount, put the kickstand up

and take a step towards Tom

who's putting on his boots.

he jumps up, a worried look

as the bike behind me crashes to the ground

breaking the gear lever and the clutch

smashing the indicator light

and ending the dream of friday flight.

we stand there stunned

the kickstand hates me

its done this before

and thats the end of the ride

forced to retire to the clock hotel

for a few restorative ales

and a commiseration in the sun

and then to the maya for some indian.

emergency call

daughter upset

got to get her

and take her home

ended up watching tv

and sleeping in the big bed

with my little girl

who kicked me all night

but despite the broken bike

and the missed time with the boys

and the sore ribs

im happy.

time with Elsa

is worth more than 

anything else

going

and all because of gravity.

Kodachrome

the mind plays tricks on us

all the time.

what we think is reality is perhaps only  

our perception fed through the filter of experience  

that old line about

"reality is for people who cant handle drugs"

but what is really reality?

and was it how we remembered?

past girlfriends come to me in dreams

I talk to old mates

find myself in exam rooms

or driving cars long turned into spoons

I go back and look at photos

and always im amazed at how

my brain has invented and embellished

fiddled and photoshopped

and my memory

despite photographic evidence

still persists in telling me

how things were even if they weren't

I'm not talking about being high or hung over..

even if you are dead straight

which I am (most of the time)

its only a version sanitised or not.

 a line comes to me from simon and garfunkle

 If you took all the girls I knew 

When I was single 

And brought them all together for one night 

I know they'd never match 

My sweet imagination 

everything looks worse in black and white.

Ah the ultimate reality show

that we are all players in

life

evening anatomy

we started at the bourbon

shmicked up for the modern world

feasted on soft shell crab drowned in butter

and cured clams

perhaps a bottle of pinot grigio?

and a negroni to boot

madame La solitaire joined

as we moved on down the road to the old growler

and descending into the subterranean hell

I was hit by the smell of tradesmen

and the place was packed and noisy

too old for the sensory assault we left

the next stop Eau de vie

an absinth tower with taps

delicately we drank the aniseed

and talked sitting in decadent surrounds

of life and fun that we had or were going to

we could hear ourselves think

and the place didn't stink!

and lastly the victoria room

with its couches and drapes and 

good old fashioned music

more friends joined and we were literally the last people there

"turn out the lights"

 the staff said

as they left.

tucked up in bed at 1.30

and slept soundly till 7am

no kids no alarms

just the habit of a thousand days

and the synchronicity of two minds 

and a beautiful saturday.

maybe in my next life i'll be able to sleep in..

delusion and illusion

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles

And the heavens open every time she smiles

And when I come to her that's where I belong

Yet I'm running to her like a river's song

she give me love love love love

crazy love

you know the words

what a load of bullshit

there I was with yoga-girl

gardening on Prosecco and Aperol

and the song came to me

from the verandah speaker

and in a moment of clarity 

I realised how we are all

deluded by emotion

and lead down the (garden) path

there is no truth

but what we think

there is no reality 

but what we perceive

When I was a much younger man

I believed I was desperately in love

with a girl whom I could not live without

and this was our song.

20 years later

I can't stand the woman

and all that I felt was 

wrong

The history of our lives

is writ on the lines of our face(s)

and the meaning is dependant

on how we feel at this moment.

life is an illusion

repeated day to day

tricking the people

into the belief of meaning.

and thats the rub

in the end what you believe

changes all the time

if only we knew it then.

the meaning of life

theres hidden meaning everywhere

if you want to look 

deep enough and 

think about life

so now im almost 42

an abstract age

made famous by a brilliant mind 

thirty years ago

so the meaning of life is 42 eh?

or is 42 when you look for

the meaning of life

and begin to wonder..

to qoute the bard

I am in blood stepp'd in so far

that to return would be as tedious

to go o'er

its a one way ticket

its the last man standing

its the eternal joke

and its not always funny

experience or study

control or out of it

fit or fucked

creative or numb

I'm reading a book

about the rise of muslim power 

and the apathy of the west..

asleep at the wheel

I watched a video of Chinese fur farm

animals skinned alive

a haunting image of a skinned beast

raising its head and looking at the camera while it dies

why?

explain it to the cow you just ate

or the dog that became the trimming

on your handbag.

but thats a bit heavy man

what about the good bits

the sunshine after rain

and the innocence of children

Gerard

Manley

Hopkins 

wrote

as the last lights off the black west went

oh the morning at the brown brink eastward springs

for the holy ghost over the bent world broods

with warm heart and bright wings.

the art of referral

lets talk about the process of relieving peoples pain

the first thing they have to do is turn up

then you identify the problem

then you treat the patient.

sometimes its not so easy to work out

why they are in pain.

often there could be three or four causes

not so straightforward it seems.

and then there's actually doing the top notch job

people turn up late which cuts your time

to do the job properly.

they cough, fidget, gag and squirm.

now I know its not easy to be the patient

you don't like injections

its invasive 

and the mouth doesn't stretch that far

but from the other side

it ain't easy either

and occasionally, 

its impossible

and that's why god invented specialists.

I don't really believe in god

but I do the referral system

and when you can't do a great job

refer to someone who can.

you make less money

but you do get to 

sleep at night.

backdoor capitalism

another american express bill

another $5000

and this time

I actually read it when it turned up

out of 58 charges

50 were from i tunes

little amounts

all adding up to $700

now I like apple tv as much as the next bloke

and I dont mind an occasional download

but 50 separate transactions over 20 days.

c'mon. time to investigate

you know those free games, the ones for 99c

the simple fun things you can put on the

ipod, ipad, iphone.

news flash! all is not what it seems

all apple devices come with a little setting turned on

the old " in app purchases" switch

hidden of course behind 5 screens.

if you dont turn it off, 

you dont need your itunes password to purchase

whatever they are trying to sell you.

new updated game..

more hairspray for your salon

another fun car in the racing game

or whatever

sneaky, underhanded, disgusting

and i'm sure not entirely legal.

what kid connects playing on the phone with spending money

and why are all the default settings on, not off?

I wonder what else they aren't telling us?