The ballerina

Lately these days

I seem to be constantly retraining.

things I thought I could do

it seems I can't.

There's the guitar.

you could spend a lifetime

just practicing space oddity

and still have work to do.

Like golf. 

an impossible game

with an absurd aim

and a beer at the end.

Like racing your car on a racetrack

not braking hard enough

not braking late enough

turning in too soon.

Like the gym

pumping that iron and doing that cardio

work on the grip, work on the reps

working on myself.

I've been swimming a km since I was 12

33 years.

I had a stroke lesson, working on my freestyle.

seems like my style was too free

A year ago

my guitar teacher rod

looked at me

bashing away.

"The trick" he said

"was to turn a footballer

into a ballerina"

delicacy.

And now I look

at everything I do 

and work out how to be 

the ballerina.

bullshit

Years ago I started an MBA

the first subject was marketing.

We had the quintessential textbook

by Kottler.

It was great fun and one of the things I remember was a lesson.

"build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door"

the guy who actually did that went broke

the maxim disputed.

Currently I'm reading the biography of

steve jobs

that guy built better everything

and he enriched the world.

Apple

Pixar

I tunes

I phones

I guess the lesson 

might be

follow the creativity

everything else is bullshit.

The second subject was
strategic human resource
management.
It was a bullshit subject

I quit.

why

So there I was

at the hottest place in town

having dinner with the most beautiful girl in the world.

you get the idea....

and half way through my few dozen oysters

I looked over at the pretty young bimbo 4 seats away.

plumping her hair and arranging her plate, she reached out and snapped herself

almost eating, almost being there..

Funny thing was, we were both there already, and that moment that she 

was so keen to capture had already passed.

it was however there on her phone

all alone.

never to be looked at again.

and in that moment

that image burned in my brain

easily recalled.

It was yet another image

stacked against the wall of droth

hidden from the light of day

behind all that makeup.

saved of course on a server

a thousand miles away

burning those fossil fuels never 

to be seen.

again

I wondered 

what was the fucking point

of the selfie?

'

paradise anyone?

Went to Kauai

and was blown away by the beauty

the weather

the vibe

and the people.

Aloha, they say

Mahalo, they say

have a nice day they say

and they mean it.

after all tourism is the main export.

Context and subtext.

a beautiful set of islands 

mainly americans go on holiday

...where they try to turn everything 

into the way it is back home.

wallmart

costco

macdonalds

and the scourge of healthy dining everywhere

the (french) fry.

anyplace I went

they served the same thing

burgers, fish tacos and the grill.

and the french fry

and the dressings..

ranch

thousand island and blue cheese

all with mayonnaise and all with sugar.

got any vinagrette? or lemon?

cue the blank stare..

we stayed at the marriott

and everybody bar us

was wandering around 

with a 24oz plastic cup

which you purchase at the start of your week for $42.

refillable at any time

with the soda or coffee of your choice

as much as you want.

soda (used to be water) now high fructose

corn syrup.

and we know how they like their coffee

with a cow-load of milk

and sugar

and vanilla or chocolate

 flavouring

weird we still have that hoarding 

all you can eat

go get some more mentality

when we perceive things are 

free.

Fish which could have been grilled

and served with lemon

all came fried with 

a butter caper sauce

or a creamy basil reduction.

you get the picture.

abundant fruit and veges

beautiful seafood

and they felt compelled

to put my mahi mahi

with teriyaki sauce.

I ate too many fries

had my cheeseburger in paradise

got stuck into the sailor jerry rum

and had a ball.

put on 4 kgs in a 10 days.

but I tried to limit 

my consumption

of all the above

it was hard

and temptation was everywhere.

I had to choke down my reply

when the check out guy

after charging me for my papaya and banana

asked me if I wanted to donate

a dollar to the american heart foundation.

paradise lost.

the hunchback of rubber dam

we all do the same things every day

yet we don't really think of them

they exist just below that horizon line

between the sub and the conscious

some people call it habit

those record grooves

that try as you might

you just can't fight

and after decades

of sitting in the same seat

I find myself

not as balanced as I thought 

you see, my friend Dave the physio

said to me as I was suffering

from a dysaesthesic

axillary attack

Pete, you just ain't twenty anymore

and this pain you feel

it's your alignment

it's out man..

actually he also said

you are suffering from 

task monotony.

perils of the dentist

like the hunchback

of rubber dam

I lean to my left

extending my right shoulder..

my cervical spine

stretched and pinched

overworked and

under rested.

fuck

what do I do now
with the rest of my life

Marketing? or perhaps yoga...

No?
ok, pass me

back the

drill...

it was me

I have maybe what..

thirty light bulbs

that at any time

can burn in my home

thirty bulbs that can suck the earth of energy

heating its atmosphere

adding heat and carbon

to the powderkeg..

the bins were full of the detritus of consumption

neatly divided into recyclables,

and just general shit

you couldn't give to the worms

and I staggered

back into the house

after lugging the 4 bins

up the 8 steps to the lonely road.

the kids were asleep

the wife sick

the animals fed and 

I noticed something that I had overlooked.

strange how you could overlook anything

when the house burned so bright

the clarity 

incandescent burned on my retinas

all the fucking lights were on in the house 

for how long?

sometimes three to a room

sometimes ten.

so the next sunny day you have

when its unseasonably warm

blame me

and the light switch

I'm guilty.

of that

and probably many other things..

its been a while

Time

the ultimate conundrum.

There's just too much of it, and yet too little.

Obsessed as I am

about being productive, I often wonder

what exactly I produce.

The days with lists too long

with jobs to many

and in the end I look around

too much to do

too little time.

I blinked. 

yesterday finished school

and now I treat adults who were born after I left

and leapt ecstatic fully clothed into the harbour; school bag and all

in front of a silent bus of commuters.

Now I see the windows need painting

the doors need sanding

the garden needs weeding

the guitar playing.

the kids need exercising

the surfboard begs for a wave

the motorbike hasn't seen the light of day in a month

and the cellar walls need a coat of paint.

If I had more time I say

if I had less distraction

if I had more motivation.

global warming looms large and I just can't be bothered.

the enormity of the task swamps me

too fucking hard to do it all

and yet we try.

when really we should be lying in the sun

faces turned to the rain

walking the cliffs

and making love on the couch.

Instead of worrying about all thats undone.

lets do the things that make us 

feel as though we're part of a life well lived

instead of an orwellian joke.

fuck it, there's still time.