a kids canine

she came in to the surgery

eager as punch

I was taking her baby tooth out

to straighten the rest out

...at least temporarily

and distracting her a little

I raised the needle

and placed it on her gum

up came the hand immediately

and swiped it out of the way

"hey that pinches"

she said

laughing out of hand

and I talked her 

off the ledge

numbed up

she smiled

and said

"Dad I can't feel my face"

and then the extraction

a fully formed kids canine.

easy I thought to myself

as I struggled to extract it sweating

(such long roots)

out it popped

and relieved we both laughed

as she wiped the blood from

her mouth she said

"mum can i have some ice-cream"

kids

cant shoot em

dont even think

of extracting their 

baby teeth.

unless you

are a 

masochist

or

a dentist.

...tough

head shot

pick a reason, any reason

cancer? a worthy cause? a bet? drunk?

what does it matter

its all gone.

strange that people dont recognise me

or if they do , its a classic double take.

and it got me thinking

we are all caricatures of ourselves.

what is pete

without the crazy hair?

who is pete

is he still there?

of course I am

nothing has really changed

but there's been a resurgence

of questions.

all about appearance.

and in the end

people just get used to it.

although they remain challenged.

and all of a sudden

i feel a certain kinship

with those poor sods who are

bald by nature not design.

now what else can I radically change?

gravity

so the family is away

accomodation is booked

my daughter is with grandpa

and the boys are ready

the day is glorious

the tank is full

the tyres are pumped

and so am I

I pull up outside Toms place

text Warwick

we are ready and will meet you in 15

on the other side of the bridge

I dismount, put the kickstand up

and take a step towards Tom

who's putting on his boots.

he jumps up, a worried look

as the bike behind me crashes to the ground

breaking the gear lever and the clutch

smashing the indicator light

and ending the dream of friday flight.

we stand there stunned

the kickstand hates me

its done this before

and thats the end of the ride

forced to retire to the clock hotel

for a few restorative ales

and a commiseration in the sun

and then to the maya for some indian.

emergency call

daughter upset

got to get her

and take her home

ended up watching tv

and sleeping in the big bed

with my little girl

who kicked me all night

but despite the broken bike

and the missed time with the boys

and the sore ribs

im happy.

time with Elsa

is worth more than 

anything else

going

and all because of gravity.

Kodachrome

the mind plays tricks on us

all the time.

what we think is reality is perhaps only  

our perception fed through the filter of experience  

that old line about

"reality is for people who cant handle drugs"

but what is really reality?

and was it how we remembered?

past girlfriends come to me in dreams

I talk to old mates

find myself in exam rooms

or driving cars long turned into spoons

I go back and look at photos

and always im amazed at how

my brain has invented and embellished

fiddled and photoshopped

and my memory

despite photographic evidence

still persists in telling me

how things were even if they weren't

I'm not talking about being high or hung over..

even if you are dead straight

which I am (most of the time)

its only a version sanitised or not.

 a line comes to me from simon and garfunkle

 If you took all the girls I knew 

When I was single 

And brought them all together for one night 

I know they'd never match 

My sweet imagination 

everything looks worse in black and white.

Ah the ultimate reality show

that we are all players in

life

evening anatomy

we started at the bourbon

shmicked up for the modern world

feasted on soft shell crab drowned in butter

and cured clams

perhaps a bottle of pinot grigio?

and a negroni to boot

madame La solitaire joined

as we moved on down the road to the old growler

and descending into the subterranean hell

I was hit by the smell of tradesmen

and the place was packed and noisy

too old for the sensory assault we left

the next stop Eau de vie

an absinth tower with taps

delicately we drank the aniseed

and talked sitting in decadent surrounds

of life and fun that we had or were going to

we could hear ourselves think

and the place didn't stink!

and lastly the victoria room

with its couches and drapes and 

good old fashioned music

more friends joined and we were literally the last people there

"turn out the lights"

 the staff said

as they left.

tucked up in bed at 1.30

and slept soundly till 7am

no kids no alarms

just the habit of a thousand days

and the synchronicity of two minds 

and a beautiful saturday.

maybe in my next life i'll be able to sleep in..

delusion and illusion

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles

And the heavens open every time she smiles

And when I come to her that's where I belong

Yet I'm running to her like a river's song

she give me love love love love

crazy love

you know the words

what a load of bullshit

there I was with yoga-girl

gardening on Prosecco and Aperol

and the song came to me

from the verandah speaker

and in a moment of clarity 

I realised how we are all

deluded by emotion

and lead down the (garden) path

there is no truth

but what we think

there is no reality 

but what we perceive

When I was a much younger man

I believed I was desperately in love

with a girl whom I could not live without

and this was our song.

20 years later

I can't stand the woman

and all that I felt was 

wrong

The history of our lives

is writ on the lines of our face(s)

and the meaning is dependant

on how we feel at this moment.

life is an illusion

repeated day to day

tricking the people

into the belief of meaning.

and thats the rub

in the end what you believe

changes all the time

if only we knew it then.

the meaning of life

theres hidden meaning everywhere

if you want to look 

deep enough and 

think about life

so now im almost 42

an abstract age

made famous by a brilliant mind 

thirty years ago

so the meaning of life is 42 eh?

or is 42 when you look for

the meaning of life

and begin to wonder..

to qoute the bard

I am in blood stepp'd in so far

that to return would be as tedious

to go o'er

its a one way ticket

its the last man standing

its the eternal joke

and its not always funny

experience or study

control or out of it

fit or fucked

creative or numb

I'm reading a book

about the rise of muslim power 

and the apathy of the west..

asleep at the wheel

I watched a video of Chinese fur farm

animals skinned alive

a haunting image of a skinned beast

raising its head and looking at the camera while it dies

why?

explain it to the cow you just ate

or the dog that became the trimming

on your handbag.

but thats a bit heavy man

what about the good bits

the sunshine after rain

and the innocence of children

Gerard

Manley

Hopkins 

wrote

as the last lights off the black west went

oh the morning at the brown brink eastward springs

for the holy ghost over the bent world broods

with warm heart and bright wings.